Sophomore Wisdom

I spent the better part of my weekend trying to figure out what to write for this last column. Considering that it’s being published on 4/20, the legalization of marijuana seemed like the obvious choice. But that also sounded lame and cliché, and I don’t really have anything new to say about the topic, anyway. So I decided to do something I’ve wanted to do for about a year now—write a Senior Wisdom (as seen on Bwog). Yes, I realize this is not Bwog. And yes, I realize I am not a senior. And yes, I know I’m not supposed to nominate myself. And yes, this is incredibly self-indulgent and kind of makes me want to kick my own ass. But like I said, I’ve really wanted to do this for about a year, and chances are I won’t be asked to write one as a senior.

Besides, should this be my last column (I have to reapply next semester), I can’t think of a better way to go out. Columns are supposed to be about experts analyzing news, culture, et cetera, for the literate public. This is one of the reasons why Senior Wisdoms are great: They give advice about being a student at Columbia from the resident experts on being a student at Columbia.

But my column, Excuses and Half-truths, is all about not being an expert—it’s about being a 20-year-old college student who doesn’t know anything yet, and about trying to figure out a few things. And it’s that perspective which I think makes this Sophomore Wisdom different, and worth writing. Or at least, that’s the best justification I could come up with. Anyway, feel free to stop reading if this whole idea offends you (I’m looking at you, Bwog-ers), but for the rest of you, here goes nothing:

Sophomore Wisdom: Neil FitzPatrick

Name, School: Cornelius FitzPatrick, CC

Claim to fame: I’m that redheaded kid who was in Science of Psych with you. I’ve also been working for Spec Opinion longer than anyone still in the section, and I’ve never risen above the rank of associate. But I guess that’s more like a claim to mediocrity.

Junior-year plans: I’m hoping to take biodiversity and art hum to finish up the Core. I hear something magical happens when you do.

Post-grad plans: I’d like to be paid monies to make things up and write them down. And if that doesn’t work out, there’s always law school.

What are three things you learned at Columbia?

1. I remember someone answered this question once with “everything is a construct.” I’m still sort of hung up on that one.

2. Being from New Jersey has become unexpectedly important to me.

3. Chinese

Justify your existence in 30 words or less.

I’ve got 479 Facebook friends (I know, pretty impressive), therefore I am.

Oh, justify? I’m sort of counting on this Sophomore Wisdom to do the trick.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?

What the hell is oral sex?

Favorite study spot?

My room. Yeah. I’m one of those. But Butler 210 is growing on me.

What was your favorite controversy during your time at Columbia?

Have you heard about this volcanic-ash-over-Europe-business? Somebody just told me about it. How the hell did I miss that?

What do you wish you could tell the Class of 2014 before they come here?

1. Cynicism is great for a little while, and then it’s just kind of a drag.

2. This place isn’t going to make you happy—that’s your job.

3. No matter how hard we’ve worked or how smart we are, we are all still really, really ridiculously lucky to be here.

4. You’re going to forget #3 about five times a day. But try to remember it, and you’ll do all right.

5. Major in something you love. Which I guess means do something you love. Because your major irrevocably defines who you are as a person. IRREVOCABLY. Or that’s what they keep telling us sophomores, anyway.

6. If you’re going to eat at 212, order the chipotle turkey sandwich on foccaccia. Keep the jalapenos. These things are important.

Regrets?

I regret several drunk-texts I sent in the Fall of 2008. I also regret that I am not Derek Jeter. That’s kind of a bummer.

Neil FitzPatrick is a Columbia College sophomore. Excuses and Half-truths runs alternate Tuesdays.